You’re not supposed to be gone

Over the past four months, I have still found myself in shock and not believing that you are really gone. I find myself crying and angry on my 35 minute commute to work and every time that I begin to speak to you I choke up and am unable to say what I need to say. I prayed and asked you to come visit me in my dreams for my birthday present but I guess I have such walls of shock about you being gone, you can’t visit me in my dreams.

I keep myself extremely busy with working 17 hour days multiple times a week and making myself so exhausted that any day I have off I spend sleeping to keep my mind off it all.

The sentencing date is coming up, I am trying to brace myself for the undeniable disappointment of there being no justice for you. Since Colorado state law is in place that this is a traffic misdemeanor and will most likely result in community service makes me sick. Someone murdered you and they will get a slap on the wrist and be able to live free when we have to live in a world where you are no longer here outrages me. I am preparing my speech for the sentencing hearing and I am losing the battle of not being completely furious at this “justice system” and end up yelling at this judge. I can already hear you telling me to be respectful and get my words across in a respectful and sincere tone. But how can I? You aren’t here anymore, I can’t fathom that… even to this day. You’re my superhero, nothing could ever happen to you. A huge part of my heart has been stripped away and I am empty without you Daddy. I never thought I would have a last moment with you. A last hug. A last “I love you more”. A last anything because you weren’t supposed to be taken away from us. You just weren’t.

Let me just tell you, Heaven is so incredibly and so indescribably lucky to have you. I am so, so, so, so, jealous of them having you.

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Raw

54 days. 54 days without my best friend. I remember telling people I could never live without you, and I never ever wanted to be in a life without you in it. The truth is I don’t feel like I am living, I am just existing in a way. It still doesn’t seem real, I know I say that all the time but you are my everything, you are my best friend, and I always thought you were invincible. My heart still believes you are invincible. I constantly feel raw, I feel like a fraud when I put on a smile when all I want to do is break down and never leave my bed. I just want you back.

I get so angry knowing that I can’t talk to you and get your loving and pure advice or even to be in your comforting presence. I get angry that you ever experienced pain or sadness while you were on this earth. You deserved the world and I get so angry that you don’t get to live through one of the best parts that was so close to being here. I would do anything, absolutely anything, to have you back. I know I am 22, but I need my daddy just as much now as I ever did. I am angry that she took you from me. I am angry because I know you are sad that you aren’t here. Then I get angry that I think I am making you sad about being angry. I am angry that you have to miss out on so many things, although you are always by our sides, I just wish you were here physically. I am angry because I want my dad’s infamous hugs and I can’t have one of them till we meet again in Heaven. I am angry that you always did everything right, and it didn’t save you… how could it have not saved you? I am angry that I am powerless and I couldn’t prevent this from happening. I am angry because I know being angry will accomplish nothing. I am angry because I am angry. I am angry because I am so completely and entirely raw.

I want to do so many things to honor you and have your beautiful heart live on. I just feel like it will never be enough to show to the world just how much of an absolutely phenomenal person you are. I will make these changes, but I think the hardest part of it is, that no matter how many changes I make… nothing will ever bring you back. But I will make these changes because someone as amazing as you deserves their heart and legacy to live on for lifetimes to come.

Together, “just not in the exact same spot”.

It hurts.

It hurts most when it’s quiet, and my thoughts overcome me. My stomach drops when I see something at the store that he would like or I have seen him using before. My heart breaks when I think of something to tell him and I go to my phone to call him and I no longer can. Our memories, his love, and him are threaded into every stitch of my brain and every thought I think.

It hurts.

He took a cocktail of vitamins everyday so he would be healthy and able to be around when us kids were older. He followed the rules and did everything he was supposed to do. He loved the outdoors and being active and athletic. He would do anything for anyone. He is the smartest man I have ever met in my entire life.

It hurts.

Existing everyday with a huge, prodigious part of my heart missing is the hardest and most uncomfortable feeling I have ever felt. Pretending every minute that I am okay, and still having a difficult time believing he’s not physically here makes me sick and experience every emotion. Talking to him and not getting a response and hearing his comforting words breaks my heart over and over again.

It hurts.

It just plain hurts.

November 27th, 2017

November 27th, 2017, the world changed. The world was less full of happiness, less hopeful for the future, and tears filled the eyes of many. Tears felt empty, screaming felt silenced, breathing felt worthless, and unworthy of the loss of the most special person this world has ever witnessed.

Innocent. Dad is an innocent bystander and victim of a horrific accident because someone thought their phone was more important than the life of the people in other cars, themselves, and my best friend. He was doing something he loved, something he did countless times in his lifetime. Riding his bicycle in the bike lane, his release, his favorite thing to do other than being with his three kids, fiancee, and infinite amount of family and friends.

My life has changed, I can no longer call my dad to ask him a question about something. I can no longer get my best friends hug. I can no longer look forward to the day where my best friend walks me down the isle at my wedding. I can no longer spend moments “creating memories” like we always did. I can no longer feel the worries of the world disappear with his healing hug and presence.

As we welcome the new year, I will walk into every new adventure, every new grueling task, every new day with my best friend by my side. I will live with his heart, smile when I see something that reminds me of him. Not because it will be easy, because it won’t, but because I will work everyday to continue to make my dad proud and do what he would want me to do. I will miss him every minute. My heart will ache every second. The world feels less bright, and the future seems less hopeful, but I will live like John Kirby:

Modestly. Being a helpful hand. Smile. With humor. With athleticism. With love in everything. With faith. Open minded. With a strong sense of academia and a need to know more about anything and everything.

I am still waiting for my superhero to walk through the door. I am still waiting to wake up from the worst nightmare that I have ever had. I am still waiting for a text from my daddy telling me he loves me more.

A huge piece of my heart and my life was stripped away from me and I would do anything to get him back. My mission in honor of my best friend, to change Colorado state laws in my Dad’s name and make sure that this crime isn’t considered a traffic misdemeanor with little to no consequence for the driver and will be considered the more serious crime it is. I promise, Daddy, to have your legacy live on and for you heart and mind to never be forgotten. I promise to make a change and to support your yearning for academics and reward and love people of similar hearts to yours as you would. Together we will go through this life on earth, and I will be waiting to be with you again in Heaven.

Dad’s Speech

I want to thank everyone for being here today to celebrate this absolutely extraordinary mans life. It shows how truly amazing my dad was by the outcome of this celebration of life and the outpouring of love and support our family has received since our dads life was cut way way too soon. My dad was involved in everything, scuba diving with my uncle chuck, fly fishing, squash, swimming, football, soccer, wrestling, cycling, lacrosse, and yes even cheerleading. My dad was more than his love for competitive sports, he was the smartest man I ever met. I told my dad that he was smarter than any of my professors from Midland, where he then called me a brown noser but I absolutely meant it. He knew something about everything, that’s why I constantly found myself calling my dad to ask him a question about something that ran through my mind that day. Among the father daughter things we did together like going to Woodcraft to make something on the lathe, or to go for a swim at the rec center, one of my favorites was when I was in high school. My dad and I rebuilt an entire engine for my car, Wren, from the ground up, it was my favorite time of the day because I got to spend time with my best friend. I learned so much about cars and that was his whole goal, but if you ask my brothers I was just handing him the tools while he did the hard work. My dad was always extremely involved in all of Tyler, Spencer, and I’s lives. From him helping us with homework to helping us make the right move on the lacrosse field… he was there. My dad was all of our coaches at one point in our lives and we all believe with our whole hearts we were better players because of him not only from his lacrosse knowledge but from growing up and learning how to be a decent human-being transpired to every aspect of our lives. My dad would drive close to 17 hours round trip to come to every single home game of mine in Nebraska, he would be the only one in the stands and I could hear him yelling “wheels Katie wheels” from any spot on the field and then would later say I didn’t hear him when he asked me why I was running so slow. No one ever prepares you, no one can… not even the one who prepared you for everything. I feel so honored to have had such a close bond with my dad. He was my dad, mom in most occasions, hero, coach, cheerleader, therapist, my go to, and my absolute best friend. Dad was humble and would do absolutely anything for anyone, he worked hard at his job and worked unbelievable hours just so he could provide for us kids and leave at 2 am some days so he could be back by a certain time to pick us up from school or to go to one of our games. Dad loved to be in his element, if that was going for a mile long swim, playing squash for hours, or riding his bike for 50 to 100 miles a day… that was his release. He would put everything he wanted to do on the back burner if one of us kids had something we wanted him to attend, which was close to everything, he would do anything for us. He loved everyone and loved his family including his fiancee who has been such a blessing for our family and I couldn’t imagine going through this past week without her. I consider myself one of the luckiest girls in the world because I never went a day without knowing my dad loved me with all of his heart. He just had so much left to do and that’s one of the million things to what makes missing him so much harder. I will look forward to getting one of my dads infamous hugs and seeing my best friend again for the rest of my life. During the eclipse this year my dad had to work and I went outside of his place and watched it while he was watching it as well, we were texting each other during the whole eclipse, and once it was done I texted him saying, I wish we could have watched it together, and he replied “we did, just not in the exact same spot” and I think that’s how I will consider doing everything together for the rest of my life together… just not in the same spot. I love you more daddy and I miss you so much already. Thank you all again for showing up and celebrating this magnificent mans life with us, please know he loved you all.

Bliss

So this. this is what it’s supposed to be like.

I have found the one where it feels like two puzzle pieces fit perfectly after a long search to find them to complete the beautiful puzzle. Our puzzle pieces come with small pictures inside of us, our history, which has made us admire the perfect fit.

The picture inside of her shows a broken hearted girl with walls built up so no one can hurt her again. Sadness from family issues. Great love for people from losing a loved one. Failed relationships. All of this has prepared her for him.

His picture is without struggle but something that shines brightly through is his heart and his sense of humor. Something about his soul and hers collide and are stitched from the same material. His mind feels like one of he greats. His smile could make her smile on the darkest of days and feel safe through all her doubts conceived from prior experiences. His way of communicating and loving her has silenced her fears which has never been done before. He is the home she has been looking for.

It may be early, but the feeling I have with him are ones I never thought I could feel again, or even feel emotions more than I ever felt before. How could two completely different people also be two of the same souls. Thinking about the future with another being is no longer frightening or have me push them away. I am excited for the future, and I want to pull him closer so I can admire him and never let go. I am not afraid of the future with him, I am afraid of future without him. That is a beautiful thing I never thought I would ever feel.

Cheers to the {potential} future with the one my soul has been searching for.

Thank you God for answering my prayers.

 

5 things people never tell you about being 22…

1. PRESSURE

Pressure to have everything figured out. Pressure to be engaged, married, or even having kids. Pressure to have a big girl job. Pressure to be financially stable. Pressure to be happy. Pressure to be mature. Pressure to be having the time of your life. Pressure to be healthy and in shape. Pressure. Pressure. Pressure. UNREALISTIC pressure. 

Being 22 has held so many different types of pressure that I feel almost everyday. It’s rarely said to feel this pressure but believe me it’s felt. I can’t even begin to tell you the amount of my friends my age who are engaged, married, or have kids. Okay, maybe I am not innocent in feeling this pressure because I have always thought that I would be engaged or married by the time I was 22 or 23. I have thought that I came close to finding that man and that’s what makes it even harder to be 101% single at 22. Maybe I don’t want to be married now because I am figuring out my life, but still the bittersweet feeling comes over me when another one of my friends get married or engaged. The problem with all of these pressure topics is that it’s important that we don’t fall into these pressures and let them affect us negatively. We are all on our own separate journey of life and we are in no competition or race against anyone but ourselves. 

2. School sucks but it is worth it

I know, I know, not all of us 22 year olds are in school but for those who are… it really sucks. Of course, college is supposedly the best time of our lives and although I agree with that for the most part… the school part gets in the way of the fun haha. I know we are in college to learn and get an education for our future careers and we are fortunate to be able to attend college it can in fact suck. But think about how amazing it will feel when you walk across that stage and be done. You may not be done with college in 4 years, it can take 5, 6, or even 9 years but it will be worth it. The best part? You did it. You put in all those crazy hours of studying, wrote a million essays, took thousands of tests and quizzes… but YOU did it. No one else but yourself. How cool and relieving is that? So if you graduated on time, congratulations I am very proud of you. But if you are taking longer than your peers… remember you are in no race and regardless of how long it takes, it is a HUGE accomplishment.

 

3. Poor. Broke & Ramen noodle.

Being 22 is fun. You can go out to the bars and get those 25 cent drinks on college night but being able to afford regular priced booze or even the McDonalds after the bars is the hard part of being 22. Being poor is apart of being an “young adult” and it blows but completely normal. If you are 22 and are financially stable… how? Without my amazing dad helping me out when I am in a rut, I don’t think I would be able to survive. Being a broke 22 year old makes me want to be done with school and be able to provide for myself even more. But this is not something that I think I am the only one… so ya, I wish you “adults” warned us about this. If they did warn me, I probably would’ve said no to adulting if I knew how real the struggle really was.


4. Relationships are a hit or miss

Speaking from a girls perspective, boys in this age group either come on wayyyy too fast, or they just want to hook up and have nothing to do with a relationship so I am confused to which is worse. I feel like since I am 22, I need to be in a relationship with someone I can see marrying since I am at that age and being in one for fun is a waste of time. Not to say my previous relationships when I was younger were for fun because I have always gone into relationships with the thoughts of a future… but its different now. I think guys my age (that song is my jam) for the most part want to have fun in college and not settle down which is fine because I am not completely ready to settle down unless I find Mr. Perfect. But ya, relationships at this age, as I am sure in any age, is freaking complicated af.

5. You will lose friends

This one is near to my heart because it is such a difficult part of being in your twenties. I have learned that the friends you once were around 24/7 in your teens have suddenly become a beautiful part of your past. From my own personal experience, once I started college and I started to experience new things and grow up essentially… I found that some of my old friends who hadn’t taken the same steps like college or tried to be independent… I guess I had essentially outgrown them. This is not to be spiteful or to portray that I feel I am any better than these people, it’s just a part of life. I will always love these friends that I have moved on from and friend breakups are really f-ing hard but I know it’s part of being in your twenties. This doesn’t mean that us 22 year olds will never reconnect with these people but we will lose friends for this chapter of our lives.

Who is Katie?

My name is Katie, just your typical 22 year old girl trying to find her way through this crazy thing we call life. My life revolves around school, my family, and lacrosse. I love the Red Sox, Patriots, and you’ll see me happiest watching any baseball game with a beer in hand with my loved ones.

     I go to school at a small, private, liberal arts school in Nebraska. I have completely fallen in love with the town that I live in for school and I consider it my true home. I have the most amazing friends at school and I can’t imagine how my life is going to change once I decide where I want to go to graduate school. I will be hopefully attending graduate school in the fall semester of 2018 but this is riding on how well I do on my GRE in February (AH!).  My ultimate career goal is to be a child and adolescent psychiatrist and to really focus on “at risk” teenagers so I can help this ever rising suicide statistic. My career and life goal stems from Austin, my best friend at 3 years old, tragically taking his life while we were in high school. After his passing I went through a whirlwind of emotions, that I am sure I will touch on sometime in this blog. But long story short, I want to try and prevent anyone from going through that. As far as relationships go, I have been very unsuccessful as I am as single as one can be. I hope to find the man of my dreams but as of right now, I am going to focus on myself and let God bring me to my guy when the timing is right. What else can I tell you about myself? I am a night owl, Harry Styles future wife, 20 piece chicken nugget addict, dog loving girl who has no idea what she is doing… can anyone else relate to that?

     My family is extremely important to me, but like all families we have our differences and crazy pasts. I have two brothers, Tyler is 26, and Spencer is 17. Tyler is an amazing, talented, and smart guy who I feel very blessed to be related to. Tyler is an extremely talented lacrosse player, he is on a semi pro lacrosse team (but I see a pro status in his future) and he is also one of Spencer’s high school lacrosse coaches. Tyler is what you imagine when you think of an all around guy or even person for that matter, which is extremely hard to follow in those footsteps. Spencer is one of the funniest, also talented, and sweetest boys you could meet. Spencer (which I call Buddy) is my best friend and seeing him grow up into this man he has is amazing. He is a varsity lacrosse player at one of the top high schools in Colorado, he is coached by some of the most knowledgeable coaches I have ever seen. Spencer always brings light into my life and always knows how to make everyone laugh. What a true honor it is to be his big sister. Now going onto my dad, I am a true definition of a daddy’s girl and I am proud of it. I know a ton of daughters feel lucky to have their dad but I am so indescribably blessed to have him.  He is the purest form of selfless. I consider him one of my best friends and as we all wish our best friends happiness, therefore I am so delighted that he reconnected with his high school sweetheart five years ago and she makes him the happiest I have ever seen. Joan is the perfect fit to our crazy family and she is so calm and collected and an anchor and that is what I feel we have been missing.

     I have issues that I feel you can relate to, and I hope that I can write something that you can personally relate to and can help shed some light on the topic to help you. So come and read weekly thoughts I have and what is weighing on my heart. But feel free to send me anything you like and I will do my best to respond promptly.

 Love all of you xx.